Care provider matters. Location of birth matters. Choose very carefully. Do not choose based on location's proximity to you, an appealing renaming of a facility, it's where your mother or sister gave birth, where your GYN is, or new beautiful renovations. Choose because you FULLY trust your care provider and the location where he or she delivers. Be sure you are getting personalized CARE and not just the routine. Ask specifics of nurses who work there, find out if the nurses and doctors have THEIR babies there, talk to doulas who have been to births there, take a PRIVATE childbirth class and ASK them, ask your provider how they like to work with doulas, what they will do in a stalled labor, when you're past due, how detailed and valued their nutritional education is, etc. Do your research on statistics for each location, and do not stop until you are totally satisfied with your options. Find out how often they see normal. If they don't see it except for moms who come in pushing, then they also don't know how to react or support normal without trying to medically mange it. Recognize red flags and act on them. Change is good in this case. Changing again is sometimes even better. Often, it is not ever too late. As a friend and mentor once said to me "You cannot go into Taco Bell and expect a Pizza." And...I must add to her metaphor just a bit. If you do go into Taco Bell wanting a Pizza and are ultimately talked into a taco being just as good, just know that you may never have an opportunity to eat a pizza ever again. And maybe that taco will be just as good for you again and again and you'll only slightly desire a pizza in the future, but for some - it will become much more than just satisfying the need to eat, it will affect you in every part of your life more than you could have imagined. Your birth depends on your choices more than anything else. You and your baby's birth deserve more research than your house, car, major appliance. Maybe even as much consideration as when you chose your partner. Do not settle. But, if you do - be ready to accept whatever outcome you get, knowing you had control to look into options and make choices about them. Do not rule out anything because it scares you or because you don't know enough about it. Learn. Ask tons of questions. If you don't know what to ask, find out. Ask a doula. Ask a childbirth educator. Go to a birth friendly website to find out. Information eases fears. Evidence based research cannot be manipulated as some people's words and opinions can be. Also, a hospital is not the only place to give birth. Feeling a certain loss of control at some point should tell you something about what to expect when you walk into the L & D room. There really are care providers out there who will work with you and your individual situation as a respectful partnership and not impose strict protocols just because you have to go into a certain box. And as much as I advocate for hiring a doula, there is really only so much a doula can help with at certain locations, up against a staff who finds us very counterproductive to their agenda and our presence and mere suggestions alone are seen as interfering with 'the way they do things', no matter how helpful and important it may be to the birthing woman. And, yes...in the end, what we all need to have is a healthy baby and healthy mom. In addition to that, though, as women...we desire to feel respected and supported and loved through the birth process. It is important to our beings whether or not we realize before our first birth or after. PEACE.
With each new client that I meet, I am amazed how much each new relationship feels so right. Including past and present, I'm talking about 18 clients. There is a uniqueness to each connection. I keep thinking that this cannot keep happening...but I honestly feel something "meant to be" with every single one of my clients and their families. It is a special thing getting to know a woman during her pregnancy and glimpsing into her family and life. (I have no doubt that I end up matched with the coolest people EVER! - it is more than me loving people and being sensitive, they really are the BEST!) Things usually get comfortable quick. There is a certain trust built sooner rather than later. We spend time discussing things that she may not even share with another woman friend, mom, practitioner, or sometimes even partner. When we first meet, we are strangers. Within a short time, we learn about each other and how our personalities will match up during the remainder of her pregnancy and in labor. I feel touched to be a part of this important journey. I have a strong sense of protection over the mom and her labor and birth. I feel in tune to her feelings, fears, and wishes prenatally. Feeling the anxiety along with her when things seem like they might take a turn in a direction she didn't want them to. I'm learning that if this happens in actual labor and not prenatally, how to transform that anxiety into something else positive so that I don't bring any negative energy to her laboring space. During labor, I spend all this time looking closely at her face, noticing her expressions, listening to her words, watching her body movements, her tension, her breathing. I understand how she is feeling. This is the most 'real' someone gets, and whatever 'comes out' is ok with me - I can hear it, see it, and empathize with it. It takes a lot to shock me. And, I'm learning quickly through my own experiences that it is true what other doulas and midwives say about the more 'stuff comes out', the better and quicker the baby comes out, too. I am sometimes 'doing' nothing but being 'everything' she needs. Ya dig? If she needs guidance and direction, I give suggestions. If she needs to be touched, I gladly support her with loving touch. If she needs space, I make sure she is given that. If she needs encouragement, I give it with the vibe I'm feeling from her. I literally pass my energy to her through our connection and know it is going to help her to manage during one of the hardest times of her life. It is quite powerful. I let her know that I think she can do this work. I am proud of her at every step. I feel so so honored to be there with her on her baby's birth day...it doesn't get more intimate. It is a very cool thing to only know someone for a few months (in one case of mine, only 24 hrs) and to feel so attached to her 'story' and wanting so much for her to have the birth she desires. Wanting so much for her to look back on this day with good memories and a feeling of empowerment and enjoyment - she'll always remember this day. Wanting so much for this day to be a starting point for her in becoming a confident mother to her child, whether it is her first, second, or sixth. I get attached. Maybe some attachments will be stronger than others, but I do believe that there is a reason each mom and I are put together for this time in her life. And I just love getting to know each one of them. What a joy. Nothing will ever compare to the attachment I feel with my children, but the attachment I feel with my clients is special, too. It is hard, just like parenting. Both are hard because of the effects on my sleep, being on call all the time, and the emotional intensity of it. It is very similar in a way. But, I absolutely love my two jobs. But I'm definitely an attached parent and an attached doula. :) Ok, so I could probably write a whole range of feelings I have after leaving the 'normal' births I have attended so far. (FYI, by 'normal', I basically mean very low medical management if any, and baby coming out vaginally with no assistance.) I feel elated for the mom mostly. Happy that I had some part in helping this birth experience turn out 'normal' and more of what she had hoped for. It is a special day. So two things bother me after these lovely births. One - I usually feel a little sad oddly. Yes, sad. I cannot help but think of the moms I've worked with and labored with for hours on end only to have their births not turn out 'normal' for whatever the reason. Some because of interventions that she made an un- or under-informed choice on thanks to some nurse, midwife, OB who just wanted her to follow the standard because it was easier for THEM, NOT better for the mom, some because of interventions she was not given ANY choice on, and some FOR NO REASON AT ALL. But regardless of the reason why some births didn't turn out 'normal', I still think back on them and feel sad that they didn't go better. And I tell myself that as long as the mom was happy with her birth or was able to make peace with it, then it is a success. Things happen for a reason, I tell myself. She needed that experience for some reason I'll never know. And I take a deep breath and accept the differences in my clients' births, hoping that I did all I could. Two - The MOST frustrating part seems to be after the birth. It more than bothers me when a CNM who just supported this amazing woman through an unmedicated normal delivery handles this new life like he or she is a piece of meat - not even a person. I cringe the way they grab and hold the little baby, without even welcoming he or she to the world, never speaking to the baby at all, and talking loudly to other staff (about the next thing that bothers me). Here goes. Immediately after the baby is out, they are only concerned with getting the tools to clamp and cut the cord - literally within seconds after the birth. Then the cord is cut without mom even being asked or noticing (she's usually a little consumed at the time, go figure!) And then they put the baby on mom's chest for skin to skin (this is a newer standard apparently - yay!) and then almost immediately start creating a nervous energy about the placenta needing to come out. And so far, I have yet to see a placenta not pulled out. They called it a 'gentle tug' at my last three births when the mom says, "OW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, that HURTS!". JEEZ! I am always stupidly surprised each time this comes true again and again. What happened to that patience you showed through the labor? I almost cannot watch it happen, it is so disturbing to me. I just want to reach out and stop her hand from pulling on the cord. Or yell, "STOP!" I feel this is very wrong. It is never gentle, it is hard - that has always been a lie in my experience. It is more dangerous, very unnatural, and totally unnecessary. It is only done to 'wrap things up' with one mom and move onto the next. Time and convenience. They all want to DO something finally. Like after not having the chance to DO anything to speed up the mom's labor with any intervention and now that this baby finally came, and mom doesn't seem to care anymore, they can do to her whatever they want to FINISH things. And honestly, the last two that were pulled out had long trailing membranes that seemed to just come and come. Not a fan. I am particularly sensitive when I hear "It should be out by now" or answering a mom's question of "how long should it take?", with "oh, within 10 minutes." Well, with my second baby - born at home, my placenta took it's time... a little over 1 hour. At that time, I was getting uncomfortable laying there through the contractions still coming. Eventually, I started feeling like I wanted to do something to get it out. So, in order to get into a squat, I decided to finally cut his cord and let someone hold him while I squatted and pushed the placenta out. My midwife never pulled on the cord or suggested that anything was abnormal or being rushed. Ok, I got it off my chest. I have to figure out a way to accept this kind of care happening once in a while, but overall, I think I have learned to make it a point to discuss these 'after birth issues' with each mom at our last prenatal visit. They may not be equally important to the care throughout labor and birth, but nonetheless - it is something the mom should also be aware of and have a CHOICE about. If I know it is fine with her and she's informed about the why's and why not's, I think I can watch a cord being cut immediately and a placenta being pulled out with less anxiety. | AuthorDelco Doula ArchivesOctober 2011 CategoriesAll |
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