Thank you to Tracy, my dear client who is sharing with us her latest birth story and photos. She has had quite an amazing journey. I felt connected to her and her husband from the first time I met them at an ICAN meeting. They were so full of passion after all of their past experiences and they were determined to make truly empowered decisions this time around, hoping for a VBA2C. When we met for our prenatal appointments, it was so obvious how much they LOVED each other and how they thought and worked like a TEAM. I was lucky to join their team and be a part of their third child's birth...Gabriel. After an rollercoaster of events in the last couple weeks of Tracy's pregnancy as she navigated quite gracefully through a pretty nutty bait and switch routine from a supposed supportive doc, Gabe was born via a second repeat cesarean, delivered by another doc she trusted and very much on her terms for many reasons...finally. It was a beautiful moment watching her meet her son. I was and am so happy for her and her husband Brian (who was such an awesome support). I also thought it was cool that Gabe now shares a birthday with not only his dad, Brian, but also my son, Keegan! :)
Gabe’s Birth Story
To tell the story of the birth of my 3rd child Gabe I have to begin with the births of my first 2 children. Lucas was born in 2007, after a comfortable and very uneventful pregnancy. I had done everything that all of the books and pamphlets tell you to do, I had all the tests done, I went to birthing classes at the hospital, I took a breastfeeding class, I was ready to give birth, and anxiously awaited the moment that I would realize that labor had begun. That moment never came. I had fallen while I was walking our dog when I was 38 weeks pregnant and it was discovered then that he was in a frank breech position. When a doctor from my group finally came to see me, I asked for an ECV and was instead scheduled for a section 2 weeks later. I pressured them for another week to try to turn him and they finally consented but it was too late, my ECV was the day before my “elective c-section” and they wouldn’t perform it because I was just too far along, Lucas was too big, and I didn’t have enough fluid. So they sent me off to get pre-op blood work done. I sat in the waiting room crying, my mother sitting next to me trying to tell me that it was going to be okay, but I didn’t believe her, How did this happen? To me of all people, I was so ready to feel the pain, and wonder that childbirth had to offer, and was ready to see the life that had grown in my body enter the world. There was a middle aged woman sitting across from me in the waiting room and she asked why I was crying, my mother told her, and with the best intentions the very nice woman told us she had 4 wonderful children all born by cesarean, and that she had never been in labor and that it was going to be ok. My response to this was even more tears, I didn’t want to go through life never knowing what it was like. The next day my beautiful son was born, delivered by a doctor I had never met, I saw him for a few minutes and then he was taken away from me for more than 4 hours, because “that’s just how they do things.” Later on (4months later) we discovered that Lucas had a cranial defect that also would have prevented a vaginal birth, regardless of his presentation. This still didn’t make me feel better about anything.
To tell the story of the birth of my 3rd child Gabe I have to begin with the births of my first 2 children. Lucas was born in 2007, after a comfortable and very uneventful pregnancy. I had done everything that all of the books and pamphlets tell you to do, I had all the tests done, I went to birthing classes at the hospital, I took a breastfeeding class, I was ready to give birth, and anxiously awaited the moment that I would realize that labor had begun. That moment never came. I had fallen while I was walking our dog when I was 38 weeks pregnant and it was discovered then that he was in a frank breech position. When a doctor from my group finally came to see me, I asked for an ECV and was instead scheduled for a section 2 weeks later. I pressured them for another week to try to turn him and they finally consented but it was too late, my ECV was the day before my “elective c-section” and they wouldn’t perform it because I was just too far along, Lucas was too big, and I didn’t have enough fluid. So they sent me off to get pre-op blood work done. I sat in the waiting room crying, my mother sitting next to me trying to tell me that it was going to be okay, but I didn’t believe her, How did this happen? To me of all people, I was so ready to feel the pain, and wonder that childbirth had to offer, and was ready to see the life that had grown in my body enter the world. There was a middle aged woman sitting across from me in the waiting room and she asked why I was crying, my mother told her, and with the best intentions the very nice woman told us she had 4 wonderful children all born by cesarean, and that she had never been in labor and that it was going to be ok. My response to this was even more tears, I didn’t want to go through life never knowing what it was like. The next day my beautiful son was born, delivered by a doctor I had never met, I saw him for a few minutes and then he was taken away from me for more than 4 hours, because “that’s just how they do things.” Later on (4months later) we discovered that Lucas had a cranial defect that also would have prevented a vaginal birth, regardless of his presentation. This still didn’t make me feel better about anything.
The calm and kind anesthesiologist took the photo :)
About 5 seconds after Lucas was born I started planning and hoping for a VBAC, something that I had read about, and seen on TV’s various birth shows. I was going to VBAC and that was that. I left the practice that had delivered Lucas, and found Midwives that I really liked and felt very comfortable with. When Lucas was 13 months old I became pregnant with my daughter Lilly, I had talked to my midwife about VBACing and she told me their hospital policy is strict about who attempts a VBAC and that I would have to speak with the head OB later on in the pregnancy. I did go to speak with him, he was polite, and kind, but disclosed that because of various reasons they are only able to provide VBACs to women who had already VBAC’ed or delivered vaginally before their c-section. My husband and I decided that after all we had been through with our previous OB that leaving and trying to find another provider would do more harm then good, and that since we felt safe and cared for by our midwife and her partner OB that we would stay and have another cesarean. I still cried about it . . . A lot. My hope for a natural birth experience was dead, gone forever I was marked with the scarlet C, I would never know what a contraction felt like, never know what the burning felt like, never know what it was like to see my child emerge from my own body and into my arms. In my head I told myself that this was okay and that for some reason babies just aren’t supposed to come out of me that way, but that I get to be a mom and have a healthy me and a healthy baby. In my heart I felt as though I must be being punished for something I did in another life to be robbed of something so normal, and I began to really dislike people who I deemed to be unworthy of their own vaginal births, those that didn‘t appreciate what they had been given. Lilly was born in 2009, she was perfect and healthy just as I had expected, and this time she wasn’t taken away like her brother was she was with me right away in recovery, and overall this birth was much better then my first, I was in less pain both emotional and physically, and I was at peace with my lot in birth, and had stopped loathing the scores of women around the world who delivered vaginally, because really that was kinda unreasonable to begin with.
It’s 2011 and I’m pregnant again. Not even thinking of VBACing this time because I know that no one will touch a woman with 2 prior uterine scars, so I sign up for a repeat cesarean before I even get the first ultrasound. It wasn’t painful this time to sign on the dotted line, to willingly have my baby cut from my body, because I thought that there was no other way. Fast forward 5 months, I’m in my kitchen doing dishes and it hits me like a Mack truck, the tears start coming and I can’t make them stop, all the pain and mourning that I had avoided and pushed away with my other 2 births was here, now, in my kitchen, torturing me. My heart actually hurt, all the hope, anticipation, fear, happiness, sadness, defeat, and anger that I had carried within my body came out in one violent moment. Once I was able to collect myself enough to speak in full sentences, I called my husband, and poured all of this out to him, he told me that he knew in his heart that I could push a baby out, and that if there was a way we would find it. Our search began, I had papers and printouts of doctors, their on-line reviews, I found ICAN and after all this research we had finally found a doctor that was supportive of our attempt to VBA2C. I broke up with my midwife, which was really hard to do because I had such a good relationship with her, but it just wasn’t a journey she could take with me, we both knew that. Are parting of ways was gracious and she extended her best wishes and told me the door was always open to me should I want to return. I was 6 months pregnant at this point.
Our new provider, an OB, was very optimistic about our VBAC. I asked him lots of questions at our consultation, about various things that effect VBACs, post dates, baby’s size, baby’s position, duration of labor . . . He had all the “right” answers, both anecdotal and research based (and who doesn’t love a good meta-analysis??). My last trimester went quickly as I had expected it would, and was rather uneventful. We met and hired the most wonderful doula. As my due date approached with each passing week I began to worry, if the VBAC rug was going to be pulled out from under us yet again. If all my searching and hoping was going to be for nothing . . . Again. My husband, our doula, and even the OB assured me that we were all on the same page and that everything was on the up and up, everyone was really excited about the birth, and how great it was going to be, eventually myself included. At 37 weeks my OB requested that I get and ultrasound to access the size of our baby, he wanted to me to get it done in the 39th week. I scheduled it, reluctantly, but since he, the OB had stated to me before that he had several VBACing moms deliver large babies, I wasn’t to frightened that it would effect our vaginal birth. Our doula accompanied me to my next doctor’s appointment, and I asked him point blank if the ultrasound results suggested a larger baby if that would end our VBAC attempt, he said no it wouldn’t and that he was merely gathering information so that I could make a decision based on “informed consent.” The next week I had the ultrasound and low and behold, I grew another 8lb + baby, I wasn’t shocked because my other 2 children had been the same size. I also wasn’t worried about our vaginal birth disappearing because of the conversation I had with the OB the previous week. Two days after the ultrasound, and 5 days before my due date, my phone rang , I didn’t get to it and it went to my voicemail. The message was from our OB, and in it he said that because of the size of our baby that he was no longer going to be able to support us in a VBAC attempt, but that he wanted to “honor our agreement” and that he would let me go until my due date, since he was going to be on-call and would be able to be there to deliver me if I went into labor prior to that day, but after that he wanted to section me. So here I am in the kitchen, on the floor, completely lost and broken . . . Again. The next day I got a call from the office telling me that they had scheduled my c-section for my due date, Tuesday 3/20, I declined to confirm it until I had a chance to talk to the OB to find out why he had changed his mind. When I did speak to him he was cold and unrelenting about performing a c-section on that day. When I brought up all the things he had told me about all those other women that he delivered with big babies and all the studies about fetal size, and due dates in relation to VBAC he told me that I couldn’t hold him to conversations that we had months before and that he could produce studies that stated the contrary to the ones I had, I asked him to e-mail me the information he had . . .I’m still waiting. After a long attempt to negotiate another day for the section and him not budging I agreed to it, to try and buy more time to figure out what to do and to keep him happy so that if I did go into labor in the next 5 days I would have a happy doctor waiting for me at the hospital. I called my husband who was shocked, and we agreed that we were going to cancel the surgery on Monday (all this happened the Thursday before I was due), because it seemed as though his motives were not completely medical. I called our doula, who was equally shocked, all 3 of us worked together and came up with a plan of how to handle this now very complicated situation. The next 5 days came and went and despite my best efforts at DIY labor induction I remained pregnant. On Monday 3/19 I called and cancelled the section, which of course sent everyone in the office into a tizzy, I was on hold I was disconnected . . . Blah blah blah. When I did speak with our OB he was less then pleased with my decision and told me that he wouldn’t be able to be my doctor anymore after Tuesday and that we would have to find another provider, and that it was going to be impossible for us to find someone to take us at 40 wks and that no one would touch us if we still intended to VBAC. We conversed back and forth for awhile about this, he told me that if I were to show up to his hospital in labor that I would only be offered a cesarean, and I told him that I accepted and understood that, but that since there was no danger in my remaining pregnant that I wouldn’t consent to a scheduled section until I was 41 wks, which was when I had decided that I no longer wanted to pursue a VBAC, because of the decrease in success rates ( I had already decided this long before all of this had happened). He continued to persist that I had to be sectioned the next day, it wasn’t until my husband joined the conversation on speaker phone that our Ob changed his tune, to “of course I won’t abandon your care” and “of course I won’t deny you pre-natal care” and “we will work something out.” I had my 40 wk prenatal visit scheduled for Wednesday 3/21. On Tuesday 3/20 late in the afternoon I got a call from the OB’s office saying that I had an appointment that they had scheduled for me to see a perinatologist I hadn’t been informed of a need to see one nor had I consented to see one. When I asked them why I had to see one they said they didn’t know and that the OB had requested it. I kept asking why and got no answer, so I called the perinatologist and was told by their receptionist that it was a VBAC consult. I saw no need to go but wanting to be compliant I went, the appointment was just before my prenatal checkup the next day. My 2 kids and I spent an entire hour listening to him read off stats that I already knew and when he realized that I was clearly intelligent enough to discuss this and not be intimidated by his power point presentation (yes it was a power point print out he was reading) , he decided that he was done with our consult. I will say that although some of his information was old and outdated, he was very polite and professional. I went down one floor and checked in for my prenatal appointment. I saw the nurse, and during the BP and urine check she also prepped the vaginal ultrasound wand. I asked her why she was doing that and she said that the OB had asked her too. I told her it wouldn’t be necessary because I wasn’t consenting to a transvaginal ultrasound, unless I had the medical reasons behind it explained to me, and even then I would only think about it.
Enter my OB, he checked baby’s heartbeat and did a cervical check and then with my children present proceeded to tell me that I was ruining his personal like and his professional life, that I had the hospital in an uproar because I was refusing to be sectioned. He told me that if I were to go into labor that I would surely have shoulder dystocia and a ruptured uterus, and that he didn’t want to get sued. He said that when I came into the hospital either for a section or in labor that my reception would be cold at best. My interpretation of that was that I wouldn’t get the same care that everyone else was receiving or the care that as a human being I was entitled to . . .do no harm I think is what it‘s called. I told him that my intention wasn’t to ruin anything but to only protect my body and baby from an unnecessary surgery, or a surgery of convenience. Of course if I needed a c-section I would consent but that I didn’t believe based on the information that he gave me that it was indeed necessary, since the main reason was that he wouldn’t be on-call and another doctor would have to deliver me, and “they” weren’t comfortable with VBA2C patients, yes my OB had said this exact statement in our conversations/recorded voicemails, that had taken place. .He called me self-serving, and demanded that I consent to schedule a c-section for the Friday 3/23. I told him that I would have to discuss it with my husband because I don’t make these decisions without him, we do things as a family. He told me that I needed to find another provider, but that we wouldn’t find anyone to VBAC us, let alone take us at 40+wks. I told him that I would of course let him know if we were able to find another provider, and that I would let him know about the section for Friday, I then told him that we were finished talking and asked him to leave the room. Oh and that vaginal ultrasound, I guess it wasn’t medically necessary after all. It was during this visit that I knew that this man was not going to get anywhere near my baby or my body, ever again. I left the hospital, called my husband and we made a decision of what we were going to do, I called our doula, told her what happened, and what hubby and I had decided to do. She was on board of course, because she is the best doula EVER! I got home and got on the phone. I called my old midwife, yes the one that couldn’t VBAC me. I knew that calling them meant a repeat section, but I was quickly approaching the end of my VBAC comfort zone anyway, and it was becoming impossible to dodge our now very persistent OB. I knew that I had always felt safe in her care, and that her partner was a great surgeon, and also as caring as she is. I told her a watered down version of what had transpired and asked if she would be able to help me deliver via cesarean, because I did not feel safe going to the OB anymore and did not feel safe at his hospital. She agreed to try to get me in, she called me back about an hour later and told me that of course they would deliver me, and that I was now scheduled for Friday 3/23, also my husband’s birthday. I went in the next day saw the OB to sign some papers, again told the watered down version of what happened, he hugged me, told me he would keep us safe. Friday came, we checked into L&D, talked with the midwife and OB, went over some things that we wanted for the birth, and they obliged. They allowed my husband and doula to be with me in the OR, they lowered the drape at the moment of birth, I saw my son enter the world, saw him breath air for the first time, I still can‘t verbalize what that was like without bursting into tears it was so moving I can‘t explain it, they delayed clamping his cord, and they kept him with me in the OR for quite a while. We were only separated for what I can guess was 20 minutes or so. My little Gabe weighed 9lbs 1oz. And was perfectly cooked.
So in the end, a baby didn’t come out of my vagina, even though I had hoped and wished for it, for a lot longer then this story documented. Am I disappointed that I never labored? Never pushed? Never had any of that burning that everyone talks about? Well I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed a little. I’ll always wonder, always imagine what it might have been like. But I have a birth that I am proud of. I not only experienced things during Gabe’s birth that I never thought I would see or feel, but I found strength within myself, to stand up for what I knew was right. I was not bullied, I was not a victim, I chose to birth my way, on my own terms. There are people who thought I was crazy for having done all of this, only to end up back to where I started, but I needed to take the road less traveled, and stay on it just once. It led me to a place where I feel peace, I feel strong and I feel empowered, all things that anyone would want out of the birth of their children, and after 6 years, and 3 children I finally have them.
Enter my OB, he checked baby’s heartbeat and did a cervical check and then with my children present proceeded to tell me that I was ruining his personal like and his professional life, that I had the hospital in an uproar because I was refusing to be sectioned. He told me that if I were to go into labor that I would surely have shoulder dystocia and a ruptured uterus, and that he didn’t want to get sued. He said that when I came into the hospital either for a section or in labor that my reception would be cold at best. My interpretation of that was that I wouldn’t get the same care that everyone else was receiving or the care that as a human being I was entitled to . . .do no harm I think is what it‘s called. I told him that my intention wasn’t to ruin anything but to only protect my body and baby from an unnecessary surgery, or a surgery of convenience. Of course if I needed a c-section I would consent but that I didn’t believe based on the information that he gave me that it was indeed necessary, since the main reason was that he wouldn’t be on-call and another doctor would have to deliver me, and “they” weren’t comfortable with VBA2C patients, yes my OB had said this exact statement in our conversations/recorded voicemails, that had taken place. .He called me self-serving, and demanded that I consent to schedule a c-section for the Friday 3/23. I told him that I would have to discuss it with my husband because I don’t make these decisions without him, we do things as a family. He told me that I needed to find another provider, but that we wouldn’t find anyone to VBAC us, let alone take us at 40+wks. I told him that I would of course let him know if we were able to find another provider, and that I would let him know about the section for Friday, I then told him that we were finished talking and asked him to leave the room. Oh and that vaginal ultrasound, I guess it wasn’t medically necessary after all. It was during this visit that I knew that this man was not going to get anywhere near my baby or my body, ever again. I left the hospital, called my husband and we made a decision of what we were going to do, I called our doula, told her what happened, and what hubby and I had decided to do. She was on board of course, because she is the best doula EVER! I got home and got on the phone. I called my old midwife, yes the one that couldn’t VBAC me. I knew that calling them meant a repeat section, but I was quickly approaching the end of my VBAC comfort zone anyway, and it was becoming impossible to dodge our now very persistent OB. I knew that I had always felt safe in her care, and that her partner was a great surgeon, and also as caring as she is. I told her a watered down version of what had transpired and asked if she would be able to help me deliver via cesarean, because I did not feel safe going to the OB anymore and did not feel safe at his hospital. She agreed to try to get me in, she called me back about an hour later and told me that of course they would deliver me, and that I was now scheduled for Friday 3/23, also my husband’s birthday. I went in the next day saw the OB to sign some papers, again told the watered down version of what happened, he hugged me, told me he would keep us safe. Friday came, we checked into L&D, talked with the midwife and OB, went over some things that we wanted for the birth, and they obliged. They allowed my husband and doula to be with me in the OR, they lowered the drape at the moment of birth, I saw my son enter the world, saw him breath air for the first time, I still can‘t verbalize what that was like without bursting into tears it was so moving I can‘t explain it, they delayed clamping his cord, and they kept him with me in the OR for quite a while. We were only separated for what I can guess was 20 minutes or so. My little Gabe weighed 9lbs 1oz. And was perfectly cooked.
So in the end, a baby didn’t come out of my vagina, even though I had hoped and wished for it, for a lot longer then this story documented. Am I disappointed that I never labored? Never pushed? Never had any of that burning that everyone talks about? Well I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed a little. I’ll always wonder, always imagine what it might have been like. But I have a birth that I am proud of. I not only experienced things during Gabe’s birth that I never thought I would see or feel, but I found strength within myself, to stand up for what I knew was right. I was not bullied, I was not a victim, I chose to birth my way, on my own terms. There are people who thought I was crazy for having done all of this, only to end up back to where I started, but I needed to take the road less traveled, and stay on it just once. It led me to a place where I feel peace, I feel strong and I feel empowered, all things that anyone would want out of the birth of their children, and after 6 years, and 3 children I finally have them.
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